For fuck’s sake
I’m doing a really nice job of beating myself up right now. He’s finished with his big project so he’s coming down to see me tomorrow. In preparation I google-image the shit out of him despite the fact I did it when we first met and have done it regularly since then. I haven’t seen him in almost three weeks and its been a fucking emotional rollercoaster. I always starts off feeling independent and strong, then dive into utter despair and loneliness, then refocus on my own work, then become resentful and make snide phonecalls because I’m angry I can’t see him.
So he is coming tomorrow and I google-image him and find something new: a discography of another one of his big loves. How many devastatingly beautiful blondes with billboard rankings does he have to have in his past in order to send me into a spiral of self-doubt? This is fucking intimidating.
All I have to my name is a set of research in a piddly esoteric academic field and a couple of D-cups and they have ALBUMS and MOVIES and flowing blond hair and singing ability and a pedestal set high and unreachable by anonymous poor grad students in southern california. He must be pretty miserable in his current situation or I give damn good blow jobs cause otherwise I just don’t understand it at all.
I wonder how this will affect tomorrow’s visit. Between that and the fact that none of my close friends approve of this situation and I can’t integrate him into my social circle, it doesn’t look promising. Of course, as soon as he brushes his hand across my breast or smells my hair it could all be forgotten. We’ll have to see.
Are you done?
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